How to Be With Someone Through Infant and Pregnancy Loss

Although there are thousands of families who endure the loss of a pregnancy or an infant each year, each loss is deeply painful and personal.

For family members, friends, co-workers, and loved ones, they may struggle with finding the right words to say or the right actions to take – or not take – to help the family through their loss.

As healthcare providers rooted in our community, our doctors, nurses, and other experts help people navigate these tragic situations all too often. We asked them to share how friends, family, and loved ones can do to help the family navigate the loss, be with them in their sadness, and why it can be important to lean into the uncomfortable emotions of pain and loss.

What to say to someone who lost a pregnancy or an infant

Every person is going to react differently to pain and loss. What brings comfort may not be the same for two different mothers or two different families. Sometimes the attempts that friends or family make to provide comfort or support may change day to day.

What matters is that you make the effort to be present for them and understand what they want and need – even when it is uncomfortable and sad.

“You need to lean into the uncomfortable and be there for that person,” said Michelle Chin, MD, an OBGYN provider with Rochester Regional Health. “You may be hesitant to meet with them because you are worried about knowing what to say or do. Be there for them anyway."

Experts like Courtney Savigny, RN, CLP, at Unity Perinatal Medicine suggest a few things to keep in mind when talking with the family:

• Call the baby by their name when talking about them. This small gesture can be very meaningful to the family.
• Don’t be afraid to show up by reaching out through a text message, phone call, email, or other means.
• As time goes on, remembering dates (anniversaries, due date, birthdays, etc.) can be an important way to connect with and support your loved one.

“Sometimes when you lose a baby, you’re the only one saying the baby’s name,” Savigny said. “Having someone acknowledge your child’s name means a lot. Even setting a reminder on your phone and reaching out to them is helpful. That person isn’t going to be surprised and forget those dates. Having someone else acknowledge those dates means so much.”

If you reach out and that person doesn’t get back to you, don’t take it personally. Keep in mind that that person is going through a lot at that moment and they are receiving your messages but may not have the strength to respond back to you.

What not to say to a grieving family

Just like there are ways to be helpful and supportive, there are things to avoid doing or saying after someone experiences infant or pregnancy loss.

• Don’t try to fix the situation.
• Avoid placing blame. Saying ‘If only this person hadn’t…’ or ‘if only this situation didn’t…’ is not going to change what happened.
• If someone already has one or more children, avoid using them as a silver lining.
• Any statement that starts with ‘At least…’ should be avoided.
• Don’t try to turn their pain and loss into a positive.

Research suggests people who went through a traumatic life experience find support from their doctors, families, and friends – and also their pets.

Savigny said it helps to think about being a reliable presence during a loved one’s grief like being a dog: if you sit and stay, you’re doing it right.

“It’s less about what you’re saying and more about showing up for someone,” Savigny said. “The weight of grief is so heavy and so strong, and it hurts so much. You just need to be present and show up. That’s how you show you care: by being there.”